It's 2:16 am and I'm high.

But it's okay. I'm about to go to sleep.

Sadly, not much has been going on in my life...

My daily ritual consists of: working out 3-4 hours a day, going to the beach 3-4 hours a day, and watching TV, movies, reading or hanging out with my friends the rest of the time.

Boring.

The ex is still here, although things have been getting worse and worse as the days pile on.

I'm not sure what to do anymore, and the energy I've been putting towards the few moments we have spent together have pretty much sapped any energy and confidence I could use to go out and get other females.

Luckily my roommate will be leaving on Thursday for 2 months on a research trip (he's a PhD student) so I'll have the apartment to myself... I'll just have to muster up the energy to get a girl back here. Shouldn't be too hard. He's my wingman though, so I'll have to work it by myself, or with some other friends who have no clue how to get girls.

We'll see.

Maybe I'll have to start off with a fattie (no offense to my overweight readers, I love you all, really I do), no, I only lowered my standards once in my life.

Didn't turn out too well.

I'll leave that for another day when I'm not tired/high.

Good night all...

Stay Positive.

Tempest-Rising

I'm fuckin drunk right now.

And I'm listening to a depressing song my friend made.

It's 2:20 AM I've been in a melancholy mood all day.

On Sunday, I'm going to a studio in Hollywood, so I'm trying to finish a couple songs right now, but nothing (and everything) is coming to me.

She's called me a bunch of times today.

(Amy, who else)

Fuck it.

I can't stand it anymore.

I want to be a good friend, but through this whole process, I've been the one who's gotten the shitty end of the stick.

I'm tired of it.

I feel right now, like I'm the one that's been drained of my energy, I have zero confidence right now. She's been meeting guys, of course, she's hot, but (partly because I'd rather hear about it than not, or at least I thought) she tells me about it and it rips me apart. I've gone on a couple of dates, met a few girls, but all I think about is her at the end of the day, when I haven't even put a move on the girl, and she's obviously a little weirded out by it. Like, I've been on two dates with hot girls I met, and I talked to one girl the other night (who ended up being insane actually, haha) but I find my mind wandering to her!!!

AAAaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

I got fired from my job a few weeks ago, and I haven't done shit but go to the gym and hang out.

*depressed*

And I'm drunk right now.

(really, so so so drunk, I know I'm writing coherently, but I'm stumbling, and writing words over and over and over again cuz I keep typing the wrong keys)

I know I sound fucked up, but really, wait, I am!

(and I'm drinking more wine)

(and this beat is getting more sinister as I get more drunk)

(and these words I'm writing are becoming more and more real as I feel it [the drunkenness] more and more)

I'm tired of bullshitting my way through things.

Relationships, friendships, girlfriends.

Fuck that shit.

It's funny, because the song I'm writing sounds like a suicide note, and I called my friend who made the beat, and he said when he made it, he was super depressed and high out of his mind. I was listening to some of the beats he sent me, and saying the stuff that came naturally (the melancholy nonsense I'm feeling in my spirit right now) and it just didn't sound right, cuz they're all really upbeat and catchy. Then I put on this disgustingly abstract, weird, suicidal beat he gave me a few days ago when he was here, and all of a sudden, throughout my entire being I could feel this energy rush through me.

The beats called "Therapy" too.

Funny.

I want to write all night.

(partly because it'll waste time I should be spending making the music I will be recording on Sunday night)

I'm not prepared, but then again, I never am.

The other day, while lifting weights, I dropped a 65 pound dumbbell on my chest.

It hurts a little bit.

My friend was spotting me, but he pressed the tendon or something in my inner elbow, and it was like a release mechanism, it just fell and hit my chest.

And it's hurt ever since.

I still went to the gym anyways afterwards and worked through the pain, but it's been hurting bad.

I've iced it every day and it still hurts.

I'm gonna go to the chiropractor tomorrow.

(What the fuck boring nonsense am I writing?!?!?!?!)

I bet once I actually have a song worked out, I'll be far too wasted to even record it, I recorded myself messing around, and I was slurring my words like crazy, and I sounded like I was hearing the beat 4 seconds late, hahaha.

Drunken song making (and blogging) is awesome. For me at least.

I've listened to this beat like 50 times and it hasn't gotten old yet because it explains every feeling I'm feeling right now. I look away from the screen and I feel dizzy. I'm gonna go get some more alcohol...

So I just sat here and listened to the beat and watched the visualizations on Media Player for like 5 minutes like I was high. For some reason, when I get drunk like this, I have this weird focus like I'm high. Like little tiny details become all that exist for me, and everything disappears into the fog. So lemme really go fill up my drink...

(I know you're probably thinking, "No!!! Don't do it!" I don't do this often, not like this, not alone, ever, so it's a new thing for me)

I'm not drunk enough though.

I want to get so drunk that the emotion and the world pours out of me.

My head keeps hanging to the side limply.

I found myself,
On the hard bench
Waiting for the train

Fixated...

On the swirling creature before me
dancing delicately
deadly

a wasp, with one wing
and a missing leg
dying before my eyes
frantically
fighting for life

losing
the battle

All of a sudden, out of the corner of my ears
I hear
"How are you today?"

Mind still pondering
whether to put the little wasp out of it's misery
or sit
and watch
it
squirm
for it's life

I look to my left
A man in his fifties sitting about 15 feet away from me
stares at me intently
We meet eyes
I'm still confused,
then I realize
there's no one else around,
so I blurt out
"Not too bad,"

Back to the wasp

Then out of courtesy,
I decide I should
Ask him how his day was

(the man)

I look over
And say, "How was your day?"
noticing his decrepit look
the tattered rags barely hanging from his body
his skin tanned leathery- years of abuse
his thinning hair, badly in need of a wash
Going every
which
way
white around the edges
This man had seen a lot
Been a lot
My stomach sank,
Afraid to hear the answer

"It's okay,"
He muttered
in his whiskey-husky voice

Back to the wasp
He was on his last legs now
slowing down the fight
when finally
He stopped
and like a cartoon,
lay upside down
legs in the air

I watched him for what could
have been 5 minutes

I envisioned myself
a god
And sped up time
and watched the man next to me
from infancy
until now
sitting next to me
Asking me how my day was
until the moment when

Finally

He tapped out
and lay on his back,
feet in the air
like a cartoon

"The train's coming,"
Said the man, standing up,
Staring at me again
Intently

Probably wondering what I was staring at...

The wasp never moved again.
I watched it from the train window

Hoping it would at least twitch
to signal it was still alive

Here was a man with one wing
Squirming for his existence
I overlooked

because I was torn whether to
put a wasp out of it's misery
or let the universe run its course
and take care of its business.

Sad.