Here it is again...
It's 2:45 in the morning and I want to go to sleep, but she's coming over.
When?
I have no idea.
Sometime.
I'll get some at least, but at what cost?
Let me give you the rundown...
I met Amy almost a year ago now, and from the moment we met, we clicked. Within days, we were inseparable. For 8 or 9 months, we did not go a day without seeing each other. Do I think that was the best idea? I'm still on the fence about that one...
Anyways... It was good for a few months, but then some things started surfacing that really startled me, that I should have paid attention to, but never did. In the beginning, she lied about a lot of things, and after we got to know each other, I found out, but I never really thought anything of it, because it usually had to do with the fact that she liked me and didn't want to jeopardize that...
But something inside of me never really trusted her, and that's when things went wrong.
I should not have overlooked these things in the beginning, I should have taken them for the signals that they were about who she is. I'm not even going into the half of what went on, just know that it was a lot, and so much, that it was alarming at times. Some of the random stuff she lied about just dumbfounded me, like, "Why would someone lie about that??"
Because she's ridiculously attractive (not the first time I've thought with my dick and not my brain) and because she's actually an amazing person aside from some of her glaring flaws and inconsistencies, I didn't think twice about keeping her around.
I guess I'm making this sound too cold, which is not what I want it to sound like. I'm also painting a picture of her that she's a terrible person, deep down, she isn't. She just has no self esteem, as outrageously beautiful as she is, she has no idea. Her vision of herself is of a hideously ugly person, and inside, part of her is. Part of her is calling out. Part of her wants out, but she's held it all in for so long, I don't think she'll ever let it out...
Unfortunately I have this strange positive idealistic outlook when it comes to relationships and people I come to love. That somehow all of a sudden things will magically go back to normal.
I digress.
Our relationship was dwindling for months.
She's an emotional wreck, and relies on me for support constantly.
I'm a pretty emotionally sensitive person, (although no one would ever say that, in fact, people think I have no emotions at all, unfortunately, they're all usually let out in secret) and I've been working 40 hours and taking 15 units the whole time we've been together, so it's dragged me down lower than I've ever been.
Fuck this dilly dallying...
The point:
She's coming over tonight.
She cheated on me a couple weeks ago, (kissed someone else) because she was drunk, and because I had so distanced myself from her and her hyper emotional baggage that I was basically pushing her into the arms of someone else. (sadly, I had hoped that she would meet someone else, so I didn't have to go through the days if not weeks of crying I would hear if I broke up with her.)
When I found out she had kissed this guy and confronted her about it, she broke down, and then for a week and a half, called my phone every day crying, apologizing about it.
Something inside of me wants this shit to work out.
I have no idea why.
I've been with girls that made me feel fuckin incredible.
Amazing.
On a cloud, day in and day out.
And not given a damn what happened about the relationship.
I could have walked away at any point and been okay.
Suddenly, this girl falls into my lap, and she's completely fucked in the head. I mean, really warped sometimes, and I want to forgive her for this shit and keep moving.
The strange thing is, it has nothing to do with the fact that she's amazingly attractive, because by my own measure, I've been far more attracted to other girls I was with. It has something to do with the connection that we have. There's something so otherworldly about it when it's good, that I'm willing to put up with all of this bullshit for some reason.
WHY!?!?!?!
It's insane.
Anyways, I'm going to sleep.
I'm gonna come and actually write something not rambling and incoherent about us and our meeting tomorrow, cuz I'm not doing it justice at all.
This is what I get for writing while deliriously tired and slightly drunk...
Sucks.
Not really.
My life is great otherwise.
It's just good.
I've been blessed with a lot of talents.
I want to exploit all of them to the fullest.
I have a feeling getting these things down, getting in touch with this real side of me will really help me out.
I've been in a "funk" now for years.
This last two weeks has really taught me some things...
Anyways.
I'm totally insane.
It's awesome.
Until next time.
-Tempest-rising
